Being a Black autistic teen girl means
Not even being able
To claim those labels
Due to the ignorance of others
Autistic is as much of an identity to me as Black or as female
But explain to me why you prefer to see Black before autistic
As though I should neglect one piece of myself while praising the other
All these things are there but I have more depth to me than these labels
They do not define me but I deserve to be able to claim them
To have a name for everything that I’ve endured
To have a community of people to identify with
I never had to fight for the label of Black, only the oppression coming with it
When it comes to autism, I have to fight for both
These names, they mean something to me
Because with each label comes a different story
And so when I hear people telling me that I can’t be autistic because I don’t look the part
Because they are not familiar with any teen girls of color on the spectrum
Because they choose to be ignorant and project their ignorance onto me,
I have flashbacks
Of being told I am not Black, I cannot claim Black, I am excluded from Black, because I am too “smart” and “articulate”
That in order to earn the label of African-American, of Dark-Skinned, of Melanin Goddess,
In order to earn the pride of the movement “Black Girl Magic”
I must first dumb myself down
Display myself as ghetto
Allow self-hatred to devour me
Accept the fact that I will be deemed as boring simply because I am educated
As though ignorance is not why I had to write this poem in the first place
Call sister girl ratchet because she is the Black girl I could never teach myself to be
Black and autistic means being of color while seeing the world in too much color
How would you feel if one of the identities you were born as was the same thing stopping the other one from being validated?
And when you go and add teen girl to that it opens up a whole new language of misunderstanding
It means rape, it means coercion, it means not having a grasp on the societal constructions of consent so you give it away without even understanding your right as a woman
As a human
It’s almost as if I don’t look like I’m struggling to you, then I don’t struggle at all
It’s almost as if in order to earn the label of autistic
I must first lighten my skin, change my gender, and mentally detach myself from my blackness
In everyone’s eyes but my own,
I am too smart to be autistic, yet too dark to be accepted
In everyone’s eyes but my own,
Black girls can’t be autistic ‘cause that is simply the way it’s supposed to be
Meaning that I am not even supposed to exist
So I guess that is the reason why I am treated as though I’m invisible
I guess that is the reason why you call me “weird”
I am aware enough to know that I am not like you
But you are not like me and I don’t think that makes you weird
Not weird in the way that you call me, as though I am infected
As though calling me that word makes me feel any less rejected
I am weird to you because I am different
Different because when people say autism is colorful, they don’t mean autism is colored
Being a Black autistic teen girl means
Never feeling like you are enough
Never being able to give anyone all of your issues because they can only handle a fraction of them
Because only claiming one identity is too much oppression for the listener
Too overwhelming
So the listener prefers to proceed uneducated since it is much more convenient
It means never being able to get to the root of what has caused you all of this pain because society screams “neurotypical” or “mentally ill” before whispering “autistic” due to the fact that it is easier not to dig
when The Black Girl turns out to be Autistic
The whole world stops and screeches in agony at the fact that she has figured herself out
All while wishing she could just be something else instead
Maybe ghetto, maybe angry, maybe loud, or maybe dead
when the Black Girl turns out to be Autistic,
The world admits that the system was never broken
Rather it was built for the gain of everything that she is not
Autistic means not having any real friends and not even knowing how to identify if you might have some
It means becoming so good at masking that you hide an entire diagnosis
And because it is all internal, people point out black and female before they point out autistic
Please do not tell me that labels don’t matter
Because they divide us just as much as they unite us
So just because you feel as though you are inspiring me or teaching me something by trying to separate me from autistic
You’re wrong
And I never said my name was Autistic
My name has always been Lauren