Emotion regulation is one of the four skill sets in dialectical behavior therapy. It is not about having fewer feelings. It is about being able to name what you are feeling, understand what set it off, and get through the strongest part of it without doing something you will regret.

Naming the thought behind the feeling

A thought record is one way to do that. When a feeling is strong, it is usually riding on a fast, automatic thought you did not choose. Writing the thought down and weighing it — the evidence for it and the evidence against it, side by side — is what lets you reach a fairer one. It is not about forcing the thought to be positive; it is about making it accurate. Here is the same worksheet filled in with an everyday example.

A worked thought record A five-step worksheet shown with an example filled in. Step one, the situation: a friend didn't reply to my message all day. Step two, the automatic thought that followed — "they're angry with me" — and the feeling it caused: anxious, rated 80 out of 100. Step three weighs that thought two ways at once. Evidence for it: they usually reply within an hour. Evidence against it: they told me they have exams this week, and they've gone quiet before and it was fine. Step four, a balanced thought that takes both columns into account: they're probably busy, not angry, and I'll know more when they reply. Step five, the feeling re-rated after the weighing: anxious, now 30 out of 100. The point is that the balanced thought is fairer rather than cheerier, and the feeling eases because the thought was weighed, not because it was forced to be positive. 1 · THE SITUATION What happened — just the facts A friend didn’t reply to my message all day. 2 · AUTOMATIC THOUGHT What went through my mind “They’re angry with me.” Anxious · 80% 3 · EVIDENCE FOR IT What supports the hot thought They usually reply within an hour. 3 · EVIDENCE AGAINST IT What doesn’t fit it They told me they have exams this week. 4 · A BALANCED THOUGHT Fairer, not forced to be positive They’re probably busy, not angry. I’ll know more when they reply. 5 · THE FEELING NOW Anxious · 30%

Three states of mind

  • Emotion mind. Emotions are in control.
  • Reasonable mind. Facts are in control, and you act almost mechanically.
  • Wise mind. Both at once, which is where balanced decisions come from — your feelings and your reasoning on the same side.

Why cold and exertion keep coming up

Several of the suggestions below are cold water or hard exercise. That is not a coincidence and it is not folk wisdom: they are two parts of a DBT distress tolerance skill called TIPP, which uses the body to bring down an emotion that is too intense to reason with. Cold on the face, brief intense movement, slower breathing, muscle release. It buys you the few minutes in which the rest of this becomes possible.

Anger

What it can feel like: sweating, muscles quivering, heart pounding, feeling hot, feeling tense.

Thoughts that often come with it: “They never listen to me.” “This is your fault.” “All they do is criticise me.”

What can help: holding an ice cube, intense exercise, deep breathing, a cold shower, a playlist that lifts you, something funny.

Afterwards: once you have come down, ask what made you vulnerable to it today and what actually happened. Did you say something hurtful? Did you act on an urge, and what came of it?

Envy

What it can feel like: tense, a pit in your stomach, some of what anger feels like and some of what sadness feels like.

Thoughts that often come with it: “I wish I looked like them.” “They have a perfect life.” “I bet they never have it hard.”

What can help: naming what you do have, time with people who know you, doing something you are good at, building a skill, trying something new.

Afterwards: what was it that someone else got? Envy is usually pointing at something you want, which is information worth having.

Fear

What it can feel like: sweating, heart pounding, dizziness, tension, shallow breathing.

Thoughts that often come with it: “What if I make a fool of myself?” “Everyone is staring at me.” “Everyone is judging me.”

What can help: holding an ice cube, slow breathing, deliberate distraction, a calming playlist, meditation.

Afterwards: what made you vulnerable to it today? Did you act on the urge to avoid something, and what did that cost or save you?

Jealousy

What it can feel like: like anger or envy, plus a tense body and urges — to take it out on something, or to check someone's messages.

Thoughts that often come with it: “How could they do this to me?” “They just want to hurt me.”

What can help: holding an ice cube, intense exercise, deep breathing, distraction, a cold shower, listing the reasons you value yourself.

Afterwards: the urges are the part to look at. Acting on them is what turns a feeling into a consequence.

Sadness

What it can feel like: crying, shortness of breath, tightness in the chest, no energy, weak muscles.

Thoughts that often come with it: “Everyone hates me.” “I will never be good enough.”

What can help: deep breathing, changing your body temperature, a playlist that lifts you, something funny, a book or another way to occupy your mind.

Afterwards: what made you vulnerable to it today, and how did you handle it?

When it is not sadness

An earlier version of this page listed “no one would notice if I was gone” and “I wish I could just disappear” among the ordinary thoughts that come with sadness, and then suggested a funny video. We were wrong to do that, and we have taken it out.

Thoughts about not being here are not a stronger version of sadness. They are their own thing, they are more common than most people realize, and they are worth telling someone about — not because you are in danger this minute, but because they are hard to carry alone and they get easier to manage once someone else knows. A skill from this page is not the right tool for them.

Sources

  1. Cleveland Clinic — Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) (emotion regulation as one of the four DBT skill sets, and the acceptance-and-change frame — checked September 2026)
  2. McLean 3East Outpatient DBT Manual (print; the source the original page's material came from, credited on our DBT skills page)

Sources were last checked September 2026. Every source links to the exact document cited, never a homepage.